editorial notes: the frog king, or iron Henry

Every so often, I like to flex my editorial muscles by helping out a friend. I also have this back-burner goal to become, like, a PhD-level savant of All Things Fairy Tales. Today I thought I'd pay it forward by providing pro bono editing work for The Brothers Grimm, because OH BOY are their stories UM problematic at best. (This one features super casual animal cruelty, unnamed/confusing characters, and a lack of clarity surrounding the ending. How did these guys get published?)

Anyway, just thought I'd make my commentary available in case TBG are interested in providing the world with a much-needed rewrite.

(Play along: Here’s the OG story.)

• ‘In old times, when wishing still helped one’: Dang. We’re starting off on a real hopeful note, here
• A well under a lime-tree in the dark forest by the castle = ideal setting for hijinks 
• Golden ball - like the sun? Pretty princess’s fave. Obviously, she’s gonna drop it into the well under the lime-tree
• Princess cries when her ball drops into the well. 
• Nearby Frog: Your tears would melt a heart of stone. Lots of element references. Also, the frog is ugly. 
• Frog asks for something in exchange for getting the ball. How many fairy-tales are based on bad bargains? Rumplestiltskin comes to mind. Is she going to promise her first-born? Or, wait, they’re gonna get married—hence the title. (But: Iron Henry?)
• Princess offers material stuff, including the crown she happens to be wearing. 
• Frog’s like, no, because he’s smart. He requires love. He wants to be the new playmate; he wants to drink out of her cup and eat off her plate and even sleep in her bed. Fun. 
• Princess is a) materialistic, and thinks that getting her (probably replaceable) ball back is worth this; and, b), doesn’t think that the frog can actually get out of the water, for some reason? So she promises. 
• Frog gets the ball; Princess runs away with ball, forgetting her promise. The frog croaks after her, but to no avail. 
• The next day, she’s at dinner with Dad and friends. There’s a splash-splash at the door. The princess runs to answer it—and it’s the frog. She slams the door in the frog’s face, because she isn’t aware that consequences exist. Her dad’s, like, what. He thinks there’s a giant outside that wants to carry her away. 
• Nope, it’s a frog, the princess says. She tells her father about their bargain. 
• Meanwhile, the frog knocks again. 
• The king is like, girl, words matter. Keep your promise. He instructs his daughter to answer the door. She’s disgusted, but she does so, allowing (with great disdain) the frog to eat off her plate. She’s choking. It’s not great. (The frog’s gonna turn into a prince, leaving the princess feeling silly, no?) 
• They retire to the princess’ chamber. She is very into nighttime hygiene and specifically isn’t psyched about having a cold frog ‘which she did not like to touch’ in her pretty, clean little bed. I mean, I get it. 
• The King gets angry at his daughter and gives us what I hope is the moral of the story: “He who helped you when you were in trouble ought not be despised by you afterwards.” Get it, boy. 
• Princess puts the frog in the corner when they get to her bedroom. He’s like, no, we said that I could sleep in your bed. Now, lift me up, or I’ll tell your dad. 
• The princess proceeds to throw the frog against the wall “with all her might”. WOW animal cruelty tw? (This reminds me of Norse mythology, in which the surprise twist ending to literally every story is ‘anyway, then Thor killed everyone with his hammer’) 
• When the frog falls from the wall, he’s transmogrified to a ‘king’s son with wonderful kind eyes’. Okay. Unclear if same king, but will assume not, because probable incest. (Assuming this is love story) 
• ‘It came to pass, with her father’s consent, that [the frog-turned-man] became her dear companion and husband.’ Likely not incest. Although, check on laws in Grimm’s time, because royalty? 
• The frog-man details how a wicked witch had cast a spell on him, and anyway ‘tomorrow’ the two would repair to his kingdom. Tomorrow? One day a frog, the next day a husband? Hmm. ‘They then went to sleep.’ Princess less grossed out about bed sharing privilege with once-frog, presumably 
• They awake with the sun the v next day. Their carriage is tricked out: They have eight white horses, each horse has an ostrich feather, there are gold chains everywhere, and - oh wait - at the rear of the retinue is ‘the young King’s servant Faithful Henry.’ 
• More exposition: When the cursed king was turned into a frog (Ed note: would be helpful if authors included names for easy commentary, thx), this specific servant - Faithful Henry - was so very sad that his sadness manifested itself as three iron bands that enriched his real heart. Anyway, enough of that, Faithful Henry’s helping them into their ostrich-horse carriage
• Faithful Henry is very happy
• The honeymooners are driving off into the sunset when the frog-husband is like, “wow, that was a weird cracking sound. Faithful Henry, what up? Is the carriage okay?” 
• Faithful Henry says: “Nope, carriage is cool, just the iron bands around my heart are breaking.” 
• Twice more the carriage makes odd breaking sounds; twice more the honeymooners exhibit temporary amnesia and force Faithful Henry to admit that his heart-prison-things are snapping
• End of story. 

Editorial notes: In the future, please add character names. There were two people in this 750-word story referred to as ‘the king’ and that was weird, so. Also, would prob have been helpful to feature Faithful Henry (title character) before last paragraph of story? And, like, consequences for animal cruelty, generally speaking, we love to see it. 

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We’ll see if the brothers Grimm get back to us with a revised ms. In the meantime, avoid throwing animals against the wall, plz, even though this story teaches us that doing so will grant you a very hot life partner.